Monday, March 16, 2009

Almost There...but not that There

Tonight is the last homestudy visit. I am much less worried about this one and want to just get it over with so we can move on to the next step!! Our house is nowhere near ready but I will go into attack mode here shortly and get it done in record time. I work better this way sometimes. We are down to one final piece that is needed for the homestudy, our taxes. This is the portion that has been Brad's responsibility. The only reason I'm not giving him grief about it is because he's been miserable with shingles for 3 weeks now. It takes everything he has just to function at a bare minimum, make it to work, etc. I'm going to see if we can use last year's return or just put the pressure on Brad that we can get them done at a tax service just to get it over with. Being Brad, I know he would not pay for this service so he'll probably get them done, doped up on oxycodone or not! I'm also trying to keep the attitude that every step of this process is happening the way it should, in the timeframe it should.
There's really no other news. I have the usual intermittant waves of fear and joy. Fear that Russia will close it's doors or some other major catastrophe will happen in international adoptions, fear that she'll have some health issue we're not prepared to take on, fear that Bek will get sick during the 3 week trip and have a terrible asthma attack in Russia. Right around this point my mind starts twirling out of control and I take some deep Sat Nam breaths, focusing on the Truth, on my breathing, on nothingness. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I have a glass of wine and just go to bed!
The joy part is easy and I love when this wave hits. I get so overloaded with it at times that it's physically palpable. I know now though, that there is a lot she must go through. I know that joy might not come easy for her, even though we are overjoyed. Surely there may be many moments, even very quickly, of laughter or smiles. But her life started as loss, and when we take her from everything she's known it will be another loss. Some children are effected more by this than others, but all feel it on some level. I can go into this one with eyes wide open.

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