Thursday, March 5, 2009

paper pregnancy panic


I have the craziest thoughts racing through my head and I'm so emotional. I am more in love every day and I don't even know her. I see her in our lives and in our house. I'm terrified I won't have enough energy and worry how we'll be able to afford it and worry about her birth mother's health and pray she's not been swilling vodka every day. Yeesh...I forgot what a roller coaster this all is....
Outside of all my manic thoughts things are going great. We had our appointment at Homeland Security/Citizenship & Immigration yesterday. It felt like a big step closer to Her.
We took Bek out of school and he went with us. I wanted him to have a sense of being involved in the process and also it was just easier than trying to find someone to watch him at 8am & take him to school. It was strange being in the same square room with the American flag that we’d been in when we were going through the process with Bek. And there he was, 5 years old and our son & all his sweetness…waiting with us for our number to be called. It was a chilly but clear & beautiful day, just like the time before. Every Spring for the last 4.5 years, when I get the first deep breaths of that Springy wet greenness my entire psyche is taken back to getting our referral for Bek on March 15th,. I'll never forget that day when his face unfolded on the screen before us and my heart burst!
I am pretty much certain at this point that we are to go to Moscow. I have that same sense of Just Knowing, the way I did when I first read about Kazakhstan. No doubts creep into my head, no second guesses, it just feels like what we are to do. To be on the safe side I’ve done a lot of homework and talked to a lot of families who’ve done it. I’ve prayed and meditated and reflected. And what I’ve come up with is that it’s where our daughter will be waiting for us.

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